Exhausted

Exhausted.

Three calls back to back. It’s only the start of our shift. And there was a pediatric patient. They always drain me emotionally, even if they are okay the entire time in my care.

Exhausted.

0500 cardiac arrest call. I end up bagging the patient till the medic unit arrives on scene. The sun rises as we leave the scene.

Exhausted.

Filling out application after application to master’s programs. I need to go back to school. I realize this. But I hate writing personal statements. And in some ways it is still admitting defeat and having to deal with realities of screwing up in college. At least I am waitlisted, at least there might be a sense of hope.

Exhausted.

There is an ever growing pile of laundry to do. Dirty to wash so I have pants. Clean to fold so I have somewhere to sleep. We are not even going to into how much I need to clean my desk off.

Exhausted.

Treating mice every single day with oral drugs. For two weeks straight. Three weeks straight. Four weeks straight. On weekends too. Measuring tumors. Trying to finish experiments up. Trying to get everything done and leaving every day thinking I should have done more.

Exhausted.

My brain just wants to shut off and zone out to a book or TV. The sofa is at least a horizontal surface. I wake at 0300, all the lights still on, still dressed in what I wore to work, and all I can do is turn off the lights before curling back up on the sofa and sleeping.

Exhausted.

Medical school applications need to be started. Again. Maybe I will have a glimmer of hope this year. Maybe I will finally at least get an interview.

Exhausted.

House fire. No one is hurt. We check vitals signs and make sure no one is over heating. And we pack hose. Lots of hose. Its actually rather fun. But I am also the smallest person on scene and am seriously lacking upper body strength. I’ll but sore but I will have had a good time.

Exhausted.

Four calls, two back to back and the rest close enough together that sleep is questionable. They are all good calls. They all teach me something. The medic that hops on twice teaches me too. But I have to go to work in the morning and the last call gets me back into the station just at shift change.

Exhausted.