Alive and Kicking, Lessons Learned

If there is anything I can say about this year is that it has been a unique challenge. After so much time off and lulled by that sense that "I am in!" has been hard to get over. I have had to reteach myself how to learn, to assimilate knowledge, and how to do that while not completely falling apart. It been a challenge that I will always be working with by I am getting there. Motivation has never been my strong suit but I am working on that and may have figured a few things out by my last class at the end of last semester.

For anyone wanting tips, its this, figure out the many different ways you learn and then be willing to experiment with them constantly to figure out how you learn that subject best. Not only is it how you learn best, but its how you learn that material best. Don't learn to regurgitate, learn to use, it helps in the long run.

Find a school-life balance. There is nothing worse than putting one above the other as everything will eventually crumble if you do.

And find a destressor. I am still working on this as I am rather picky when in comes to my destressors. Yes, it makes finding a good one hard but it makes the find all the more rewarding. Its one of my goals for second year. I do need to be better about this, especially since the stress in my life has decided to increase ten fold. Hopefully this can become one of my outlets.

Till later and more thoughts rattle out of my head.

Coming up for air

Sorry for the lack of anything resembling a post here, I am neck deep in classes and trying to write/finish a first author research paper. Oh and keep the apartment clean (dishes are a war of attrition, I am currently winning this round).

Yes, I may be insane.

More to come.

The heavens aligned, and then decided to giggle

So I was historically crying this morning. In a good way.

I got accepted!

Four years of trying and going back for a masters and it finally happened! I am accepted into medical school! I seriously cannot believe this happened!

For anyone ever struggling towards their dream all I have to say is keep trying, if you work hard it will happen.

And then I went to work to try and finish a western blog while being super excited. I put the ECL devloping chemical on and then forgot to add the film for this 10 minute incubation.

Whoops :)

I'm in!!!!!!!!

Because I needed a good smile!

Muppet Theory

Amorphousness

Nope, not dead yet.

Just really stressed and as much as I want to vent here, well I don't want to sound like I am complaining about everything because in truth thats what I sound like to myself some days.

Pretty much lab is insanely crazy but there may be a first author paper by August (yay!)

Summer job is eating my life and I hate my boss, but everyone else is really nice to work with.

I am waitlisted. Again. At the same school. Needless to say, this does not do much for my mood. Yes, I have written update letters (I actually found out I was waitlisted in April, but yeah, thats how badly its killed my mood. I really don't want to have to go another round of applications because its depressing to say the least). I am really crossing my fingers on this because I really want to get my life boogying by now. Plus it means I also may have a shot at an MD/PhD, which never had even crossed my mind until recently because my PI is pretty much trying to make me a graduate student (and I am kind of enjoying it).

And my roommate is moving at the end of July. I am sad to see her go, but its awesome because she got accepted into an amazing PhD program in a near by city. She totally deserves it. But I will miss her.

And I am not even going into firehouse politics, other than to say I want to bang my head against a wall at the ridiculousness.

Med school? Please?

Of Lab and Cookies

P.I. : "You made these with butter?!"

EMT GFP: "Of course! What else would you use?"

Seriously, if you are going to make cookies, why would you NOT use butter.

Productivity

It feels so good.

Damnit, this means I have to get my act together more. :)

The Funk

I have been hit with it. And hard. I dislike fevers and have had one for a few days now along with copious amounts of sinus clogging annoyance. Everyone else has allergies and I have the cold that will not back down.

Well at least its not the flu.

Excuse me while I go yell at my immune system to get itself back in gear... posts will resume soon.

I made baby heart cells!

And not baby as in I'm pregnant by any means, I made heart cells in a dish! Mouse heart cells! And they beat! I am calling them "baby" after the discussion with my PI over how these cardiomyocytes (ie baby heart cells) are not mature while the ones we have beating in our bodies are matures (and use a different system to beat than my baby heart cells).

Needless to say, cool way to end a week!

In other random news, due to my ambiguous status at local university, I have taken to introducing myself as "PI's student" for lack of any other way to describe myself seeing as I am a) not a med student there or b) a PhD student and thus lack a true status.

Anyways, more on life soon, I promise an EMS post!

Stress!

Is due to me trying not to freak out over the interview I have in two weeks. After spending so many times getting so close to medical school (okay once, last cycle) and not getting in, I HAVE to do well or I may well explode.

I want this more than anything and I can almost taste it.

So I must go fight off my demons (oh how you still try to haunt me), remember all the details of the research I have done, and polish up on selling myself humbly.

The US seriously need more medical schools and a more logical system into why people get into them.

Hopefully there will be at least one EMS story by the end of the week (I have so many back logged that just need a good typing!)

Also, any interview types are happily accepted.

In the End

She stood waiting for us at the door, quiet and composed though visibly in pain. We had been here once before, for a fall that ended up with a trip to the E.R. thanks to the chemo he was going through. She greeted us and took us to the bedroom, neatly kept just like the rest of the house.

He was lying in the bed, silent and still, on that snowy day. We had of course brought the works into the house but I knew the moment I saw her we wouldn't need any of it. He looked so frail on the bed, blankets piled up to keep him warm, frailer than when we had seen him several months ago for that fall.

The cancer had not been kind to him. He had lost his battle and we were left comforting his wife.

She was stoic, having cared for him at home this entire time, refusing to let him be in the hospital unless absolutely necessary. She had known that it was coming but that didn't lessen the blow.

"I had just closed my eyes. I didn't mean to take that nap."

I thought to myself that her nap was probably exactly why he had chosen that moment to go. You could see the love the two had throughout the house, I had seen it during our call here for the fall. He didn't want to burden his wife with his illness and yet she had refused to let anyone else care for him. He had to have been grateful for that, perhaps wanting to spare her the last pain of watching him die in front of her.

We left only once we were sure she would be okay. Sadly, it would not be a merry Christmas Day for her.

I finally understand...

why professors give multiple choice tests. Even if grading them by hand (and not by nice machines) its so much easier than essay questions! That will teach me to ever ask for essay questions again despite my liberal arts science educations (and no, thats not an oxymoron).

In other news, my PI was in late last night and ended up getting caught up talking to another professor I had known previously when I happened to be exiting the building (he had left like half an hour earlier so clearly this was quiet the conversation). I of course stopped to say hi to the second since my PI was there (I do enjoy them both as people so it was not weird at all), when my PI goes and says "EMT GFP may have just gotten my $2 million in grant money because of this one key figure and has two publications from my lab, I really don't understand why EMT GFP isn't in med school yet."

It really did make me feel good, I needed a pick me up like that, though I have to say I am the worse person in the world about taking complements but it was nice to know that I have people batting for me in terms of medical school.

Step 3, Done!

In truth, I have had my secondaries for medical school (step three (this round) in this step process. One was another round of MCATs and round two was the primary application) done for a while, I just haven't had time to write about it lately! There is also that lurking worry that I won't get in this time around (with as much as I have changed my application to be more competitive (yay better MCAT score!), I sure hope this is not a problem!)

I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but this is yet another round of me attempting to get into medical school. I was really close last year, interview and a spot on a waitlist! Unfortunately, in a fairly unusual event, the waitlist I was on did not move.

I think it is things like that that worry me the most. So many people are applying to medical school that even really qualified people are not getting in, people who have just as much merit as those who didn't. Many of my friends who are in medical school this year (I miss you guys!) have even said sometimes it seems like a crapshoot as to who gets in and who does not.

So needless to say, this whole wait to hear back thing does not suit me well. I don't the waiting thing well. Perhaps why I enjoy things like surgery and emergency medicine so much, because there is little waiting in those specialties. You get in, you figure out what is wrong, you fix it, the patient (is hopefully) better (minus complex cases that have so much back history it seems like one thing builds on another).

Anyways, I am now stuck waiting for step four (interviews) to happen or not.

Please let it be this time!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope everyone is having a good one! Stay safe, don't let family stress you out, and eat lots of tasty turkey!

Standards and PIs

"There are professional standards and then there are personal standards, both of which are good but one of which that typically gets the better of me. My personal standards for dealing with work and volunteering are quiet high, so when I mess something up I usually take it out on myself. It could be a little nothing or it could be huge, both end up getting the better of me. I want to save everyone, make it to every meeting, do everything right even though I know that in reality, there will be times when I slip up or the patient was simply beyond me. Yet it is the little things, like missing a meeting that I had no excuse to miss simply because I got caught up with what I was doing that particularly annoy me. I should be better than this, I should be able to do everything. I know I am human and I always do my best, but sometimes I feel like nothing wants to work out in my favor."

I wrote that a month a half ago. I was incredibly frustrated with myself over a very little something. I can smile at it now because I have since A) had an even worse day than that one that ended in a mental breakdown and a great roommate and B) have come to terms with my perfectionism (at least for now).

Now, the first thing to realize is that I am a perfectionist in only certain parts of my life, cleaning is not one of them. My poor room is constantly a disaster (of clean clothes) and the apartment bathroom sorely needs cleaning (bless my roommate for putting up with me). Oddly, the kitchen is almost always clean. Anyways, the point is that in lab and on the ambulance, I am a perfectionist. If I can't get something to work right, I get very upset at myself.

This is in part why I want to be a doctor because I feel there is so little I can do as an EMT. I know I am capable of more if people just let me! I have some what come to terms with my limited practitioner skills at this point, though I am finding that I need to crack my own whip again soon and beef up on those provider skills.

But lab, oh lab still gets me when it comes to perfectionism. I know I have the skills and the brains to do well so it drives me nuts when I can't get something to work! I feel like its all my fault when in truth, it is the nature of science and research. Rarely do things go correctly the first time. I get so frustrated that I forget I have the brain and the ability to troubleshoot.

This is where my current PI is a blessing. He has yet to get mad at me for something I couldn't do in lab. He has taken the attitude of helping me troubleshoot my way through an experiment, from literature research through design, execution, and data analysis. Of course, he had to tell me that this was his plan otherwise I would have been incredibly frustrated at myself for not being able to do anything. Once I got that through my head, late nights with nothing working stings less. It stings no doubt, but it is bearable.

So the point of all this rambling is that perfectionism and the frustration that goes with it is a double-edged sword. It can, if I am not careful, make me destroy myself, but, when managed, it can make the most beautiful results.

Accomplishments of the Day

Work for grant figure - completed (until we decided what to add for the supplemental)
Downloads box - emptied
Printer connection - established
To do list for lab research - growing to epic proportions
Apparatus - cleaned and detailed
Patients saved - pending...
Lecture presentation - waiting to be worked on

Yes, I live in two/three very different worlds: researcher/student , EMT, and professor :)

I love them all

Because normal is not a word that has ever applied to me

Simply put, my life is rather interesting right now.

The calls have been fairly quiet or minor. Lots of little old ladies and men needing help off the floor. I don't mind the calls as the "patients" are always so appreciative. The interesting call will get it's own post later.

Since I needed employment again, I managed to fin myself two teaching jobs at the local college. Never expected I would ever teach in any capacity other than informal instructions to my newer crew members to have them functional on the ambulance and passing their EMS courses. And yet here I am with two classes. One of my students unfortunately had to drop because she needed to take a class for her major but the email she sent me gave me a boost of confidence. I am working on perfecting my lectures but she said she couldn't wait to take the class again from me next semester as I was the first instructor on that subject to make her excited about class and want to more. That alone I feel is an accomplishment! it gives me hope that my teaching is not as bad as I may think it is.

Due to bills needing to be paid, I also have a lab job again. I am finding the topic more integrator than I expected though I have already experienced a few bumps on the way. I typically with technology and prediction programs however the ones I tried using utterly failed on me. Since my project has an extremely short deadline I had to suck up my pride in not knowing how to use a molecular biology program and ask for help for help from my PI. I felt as if I was letting him down but the networking with other labs near by quickly sorted out my technological problem and has left me with a great new contact. Turned out I was using an older program that had a particularly odd interface. I have since been shown a far superior search site. :)

In talks with my PI today he Asked if I was applying to MD/PhD programs and frankly I almost didn't know what to say. No one has ever really suggested that I go for one before. I have considered the idea before but all the MD/PhDs that I know are brilliant and I only see myself in the smart category. My GPA from undergrad is a hurdle enough as it is getting into med school so needless to say, its nice to see someone judging me for who I am now and not who I was in college. I am not a number, I am a person!

Now, let's see where this side trail in my life leads!

Exhaustion

I was doing good, I was working on studying, I was almost on top of things.

And now I a, overwhelmed. I still have secondaries. I have cardiopulmonary lectures that need studying piling up left and right. I got sleep but it feels like it wasn't enough.

I had a busy night on the ambulance. It was good, I got to see things that I had not seen yet and learned a lot. But then something as simple as ice now has me feeling guilty that I couldn't have done more. I feel like a should have warned someone, even if it was 4 in the morning.

I want time to pause. I want break to be here. I just want to make it through this holiday season and not break down.

Time. I just need some time.

A Brief Moment of Venting

I am my own worst enemy. I know exactly what I have to do to get where I want to be in life. EXACTLY. And yet, I procrastinate. I still haven't finished several secondaries that I REALLY need to do. I have a lab notebook still because I told myself, 'Oh, I can get this done in between classes'. HA! Right. Have I touched it? No. So now I feel horrible that I am months later giving it back to my lab and needing to ask for recommendations at the same time. And I know I have done it all to myself. Why? Why on earth can I not get my act together? I am loving being in class but if I can't get myself together to study and you know, do well on the tests, what was the point of going to class? ARG!!!!

And Fructose 6 Phosphate is converted by PFK 1 to...

I love science, don't get me wrong, but there is something about having to memorize metabolic pathways that I just haven't mastered yet. Ugh. That was a brutal exam. And its sad that I am excited to get back to endocrinology (because endo really doesn't excite me all that much other than I know it fairly well being the ooooh, fourth time I will be doing it now).

However, it has made me realize (yet again) I have some serious study habit issue I need to resolve. This is my last chance into medical school, I had better not waste it. I may be pretty absent for a bit till I get this studying thing down, but I promise the next post will be an EMS one!